Hailie had her boyfriend come calling yesterday evening. I really had to bite my tongue, swallow back tears and accept that this was going to start happening now that she’s 13 and getting interested in boys. She asked if she could go with him (they were going to walk through the park) and I said yes. Afterwards, I realized that I’m not ready for all this. My firstborn, going out with boys? When did she grow up?

I still see her as that tiny baby that I held in my arms for the first time 13 years ago. I still see her as that toddler, learning how to walk and exploring the world around her. I also still see her as that 3 year old in preschool, learning her letters and numbers, as that 5 year old walking into school for the first time. I cherish every memory I have of her at each stage of life, up to this point. But dating boys? I don’t know if I can handle that. I don’t want to let my “baby” go. I want her to be that innocent, precious baby forever.

I know this is just one more stage for her. Starting to date, eventually leading to longer-term relationships, is just the next step for this child who I still see as my little baby girl. It’s the next step in growing up, in learning about the world around her. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier, however. I just wish that I could still hold and cuddle her like I did when she was a baby. I just wish that she could stay that little baby forever.

So far, we have made it through every stage of her life, providing guidance, love and support. So it will be with this, as well. We will continue to show her support, talk to her about her growing and changing body. I will provide guidance to her as she requests or requires it. We will allow male callers to come and “take her out”, so they can learn more about each other. I will most likely cry every time though. I can see her growing up right before my eyes and as a parent, it’s so hard to let go.

The teenage years are the hardest for kids, because their bodies are changing as they grow from kids into young adults. It’s a time that they need their parents to be there for them.  They want to explore those changes in their body, just like a toddler wants to explore that lamp on the table, or that knife in the drawer. You have to set limits on that toddler, knowing that knife could hurt them or the bulb in that lamp could burn them. You also have to set limits on that teen wanting to explore the changes in their life.  It’s a lot harder though to set limits on a more independent teen going out with their friends or their first boyfriend, than it is on that toddler under your watchful care. You can tell that toddler no, you can’t do that. You can not say no as easily to your teen, because this is a time that they need to learn to become more independent, while exploring the changing world around them.

You can, however, provide guidance and advice. You can tell them about the dangers that are out there. You have to talk to them about uncomfortable topics, like sex and the difference between love and lust. You don’t just turn them loose with no rules and let them learn for themselves. This is one of the most important times for parents to get involved in their child’s life. Be there too support and love them. Be there for them when they have hard questions to ask.  If they don’t ask you the questions directly, you still have to answer those questions.  For this reason, it’s so important to know your child, to have a strong relationship with them. You want it to come from you, not from others, especially their friends. At some point, you have to let go and trust that they will hold those words you give them close. They will not learn this next HUGE step if you don’t. You still have to be the parent, but it’s most important at this point to teach the child independence and trust. The best way to teach trust, is to trust them to do what is right…after a long long talk, and then more talks as they continue to grow and change. Set ground rules for this next stage in their life, then you have to let them go, pray for them, sometimes checking up on them through your sources so that you know what they have learned and what they still need to be taught.

Something to keep in mind, if you tend to be an overbearing parent, is that they will still get away with the stuff that you forbid, and will only get into more trouble than a parent who willingly lets them have that freedom. There is a time where you have to let them learn for themselves. You still have to feel like you can say no, but know that saying no could lead to a child sneaking out, or resenting their parents for not giving them the freedom that they are screaming for, and needing. They will still learn the same things, but will not come to you for advice, but rather turn to their friends for that advice instead. Their friends advice will not be the same advice that you, as a loving parent, would give. That’s when kids are more likely to give into peer pressure as well. You have to step back and look at what’s going on around you. Set ground rules, let the kids know that those rules are to be obeyed, but let them explore under your guidance. You can still talk to the parent(s) of the kids that your child is around, you have to continue to keep tabs on your child, but you have to let them learn independence as well.

I know this from my own experiences, being raised by overbearing grandparents. I learned some from them, but I learned more from the school and my friends than I ever learned from them. When it came down to it, I was the one sneaking around, refusing to talk to them about major decisions in my life for fear of what they would say. I don’t want that from my kids. I would much rather have them come to me and say what’s on their mind or ask for advice, even if it’s about sex, than to go to their friends for advice that might be far off from advice that I would give. I have an open relationship with each of my kids, advising them on what I feel is important and appropriate for their age. All my kids know that they can come to me no matter what. I will advise and support them through whatever is going on at that time. Even for my teen, I will talk to her for as long as she needs me to, then give her the freedom to make her own decisions, trusting that she will take my words to heart.  She hasn’t let me down yet!